Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Surviving Survivorship

Living in the moment! Don’t worry about tomorrow, dream about it! Live in the now! Take risks! Be less predictable!

I try to remind myself of these little sayings every day. Am I always successful? Nope! But does it ever feel fantastic when I am.

I have always been one to plan; my meals, my wardrobe, my finances, my life. Obviously cancer doesn’t give a shit about your plans and so I have had to change. Eeeeeek! Change! I hate change. I like predictability, I like knowing what to expect, and I like organization, expectations and highlighters; highlighters are great.

So now that treatment is over and it’s just me and Tamoxifen hanging out for the next few years, what do I have to worry about, right? Wrong! I feel like when I finished treatment, every one around me took a huge sigh of relief but I felt like I was just starting my ‘journey’ (ok, seriously, I am really starting to hate that word. A journey sounds adventurous, exciting, PLANNED – cancer is not a journey). Anyway, now I’m kind of lost - at a 'what now?’ point in my life. How do I give back? How do I pay forward what others have done for me? How do I live a more fulfilling life? How do I apply what I have learned from cancer to my every day life? How do I ‘teach’ about cancer without preaching or complaining? How do I take the pressure off myself to be the ‘perfect’ cancer survivor and just learn to be (the new) me?

It’s almost like there’s a void in my life now, and I’m not talking about the void on my chest. I feel like something is missing (again, not talking about 'Righty'). In a weird way though, I think every thing is going the way it’s supposed to be going. I went to university for six years and got three degrees in education and yet I have always known that I don’t want to be a teacher. Weird, right? Why keep going back for different degrees and racking up an unspeakable student loan if you know that you don’t want to teach? Well, I just always knew that I wanted to be in education and make a difference, but just not in a classroom. Now that I have a bachelor's degree in cancer, I feel like I know how to use my education degrees. I was right to keep going back to school, and I was right that I didn't want to be in a classroom; I want to be a part of cancer education.

Ok, so that answers part of the 'what now' but what about the planning, the predictability, the need to live in the moment? Well, I am taking baby steps. Here's an example; before I had cancer, I had decided that I didn't want to get married, ever. I wanted to be with Keith for the rest of my life, but I didn't want to get married (for a variety of reasons that I don't necessarily want to get into here). Then I got sick, really sick, and my life was potentially going to be taken from me, and marriage all of a sudden became very important to me. I think I just assumed that Keith and I would both live until we were 100 and die together, the way the old couple from 'The Note Book' did. But then cancer happened and I realized that may not be the case. I decided that the day I die, whether that means at 28 years old, 50 years old, or 100 years old (like I had planned), I want to die as Keith's wife. Wow, this took a really morbid turn, really quickly.

There is a point, I promise.

So, ever since I finished treatment, I have wanted a ring, well, not just a ring, THE ring. And I mean it's not enough that the entire world is putting pressure on Keith, but now I am adding pressure, pressure that he hadn't felt before I was sick. But I have recently started to try to live in the moment and trying not to plan my life away (you know, that whole 'it's about the journey not the destination' thing). Here's the conclusion that I've come to; as soon as we get engaged, I will start planning the wedding, then we'll get married and somewhere in there buy a house, my student loans will slowly be paid off, if we're lucky, a few kids will show up along the way, I'll find my dream job and then what? When will I be happy? At what point will I look at my life and say 'I am enough'? At what point will I enjoy the life I live instead of the life I want to live?

So, I have (tried to) stopped pressuring Keith. I love our lives. I love him. Why am I wishing away this part of our lives together to just move to the next part? Is our love going to change when I have a ring on my finger? I hope not. Am I going to feel more fulfilled? I hope not. I hope I get happiness from within not externally. It may not seem like anything significant to anyone else, but to me, this is huge. Focus on making myself happy now, not in the future because you just never know...

10 comments:

  1. Hi Katie! I found your blog via twitter. I was diagnosed 9 months ago at the age of 28 and recently finished with all of my treatment/surgeries. Now on the lovely tamoxifen bandwagon. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate your blog, especially this post. I am not nearly as good of a writer as you are but I feel every single emotion you've described. Especially talking about starting to love the life you're living now; that's my biggest struggle. I am trying to "find myself" again and it's a tiring and confusing process! I hate that we both feel this way but it's oddly comforting to know I'm not alone in my thoughts! Blessings to you & yours! Xoxo, Anne

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    1. Anne, you bring tears to my eyes. I never know if what I'm writing about it something that I am experiencing alone so when you say 'it's oddly comforting to know I'm not alone in my thoughts' it makes me feel very grateful for people like you.

      Thanks for taking the time to comment and for connecting.

      Katie

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  2. Wow, can I ever relate to this post, Katie! Being the planning type as well, I understand that struggle we have with ourselves about not focusing on the next part, and trying to just enjoy what's in front of us. It's hard. It reminds me of that conversation Carrie had with Alex's ex-wife in the series finale from Sex and the City, when she said that there was always that "as soon as..." comment. We'll have more time together "as soon as...", or I'll feel happy and fulfilled "as soon as..." I think it takes a lot of energy, sometimes, to live in the moment. I do think it makes us all happier people, though. Great post!

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    1. Thanks Michelle. Isn't it amazing how people can connect over different life changing situations but feel very similarly about life?

      I always appreciate your insights.

      xoxo
      Katie

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  3. Don't worry, Katie, surviving does get easier. It's just weird. OK, truth is, I kind of freaked out for a while after finishing active treatment. Amazingly, I've been hanging around in the survivorhood for 11 yrs now. For a while it was hard for me to plan anything - would I be around for a family vacation next year? Eventually, as my immediate death was not imminent, I got better at balancing living in the moment & planning for the future. Balance....

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    1. Ah, balance, a word that I am SLOWLY trying to understand. Thank you for your words of wisdom and your words of encouragement. 11 years of something to celebrate.

      I appreciate your honesty - thanks for sharing.

      Katie

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  4. You've hit it right on the head of why I hate the words "cancer journey!" That part made me smile...it's so true! I understand how you feel about wanting that ring, but it's good to stop pressuring Keith. You've probably heard this before...if it's meant to be, it will happen! Hang in there!

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    1. Thanks Ginny!

      I should clarify that 'pressuring' might be too strong of a word. But, I will take blame where blame is due and I certainly have mentioned 'THE ring' a number of times in the last year.

      And I agree, if it's meant to be, it'll happen. We have been together six amazing years and if we're together another 76 years (ring or no ring, I will be one lucky lady).

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  5. Katie,
    Yes, the balance thing takes a while to figure out, or it sure as heck is taking me a while. I do not have things "in balance" yet that's for sure. And cancer changes plans like nothing else does. We continue to evolve and grow, that's how I look at things. Life post cancer is a slow learning process. Be gentle with yourself through this part too.

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    1. I'm a very patient person with everyone other than myself. I am doing my best not to expect things like 'balance' to be in check right away but I struggle with it. This 'no control' thing is weighing on me sometimes.

      Thanks for the support and your kind words.

      Katie

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