I am Strong! I am Invincible! I am Woman??

For the last week, I keep thinking about what it means to be a woman. Is a woman defined by what she does? How she acts? Her appearance? Her anatomy? And well, I think it's easy to say it's a mixture of all of this. I have always had strong examples of women in my life who have taught me a thing or two about the definition of a woman.

I think different occasions in our lives change the way we define ourselves and change the way we define each other. I know when it comes to being a woman, occasions like losing your virginity, getting married, having a child, etc. can change what we think it means to be a woman. I can't help but thinking about Erin Brockovich (the movie not the woman) when I think about being a woman. There is a character in that film who has had different forms of women's cancers and she says something like 'Erin, do you think that with no uterus, and no ovaries, and one breast, I am still considered a woman?'. And for some reason, I can't get that line out of my head. I guess I feel similarly about myself; with only one breast (one that was reduced and doesn't even feel like my own) and the potential of not being able to reproduce, am I still considered a woman?

Part of me (the kick-ass, I can take on anything, nothing will get me down, part) thinks, 'I'm not going to let cancer take this from me. Cancer may have taken my breast but it can't take my womanhood. I am a woman for many other reasons than my breast(s).' And then the other part of me (the insecure, put-it-all-out-there, vulnerable, part of me) says, you are not the (amount of) woman you used to be. I feel like my boobs helped define me, and I don't want that to be confused with anything other than I was proud to have large breasts, the same way I was to have curves; they made me feel womanly. Anymore, I feel like I am fighting with myself to say 'I am still a woman.' Do you know that song by Pink called 'Don't Let Me Get Me'? Well it goes 'Don't let me get me, I'm my own worst enemy. It's bad when you annoy yourself, so irritating, don't want to be my friend no more, I want to be somebody else' - that describes it pretty well.

Last week, while thinking about what it meant to be a woman, I read a blog post about Kathy Bates' decision to have a double mastectomy and in one of the comments, a woman (who has never had breast cancer or any cancer) wrote something like 'I don't find that my breasts are part of my sexual identity or femininity and because I have used them for their true purpose of breastfeeding, I wouldn't think twice about chopping them off.' I think in that one comment, she managed to discredit so much of what I feel, so many of my insecurities, and it makes me feel shallow about missing my breasts. Mind you, it is safe to say that I will never be able to breastfeed (I'm missing one, and the other one was reduced which means it's a no-go either). My pre-cancer breasts were already pointing south but I would give just about anything to have them back, they weren't perky or firm but they were mine and they made me feel like more of a woman than I will ever feel like again.

I just don't seem to have that innate 'feminine' feeling anymore. It's a rare occasion that I want to dress up, or go out, or get dolled up, I think because primarily I would feel like I was trying to fool everyone (including myself). I know what my chest looks like and I know that I am not who I used to be (I'm sure many of you are thinking 'Yes, but you need to mourn the old you and embrace the new you' and trust me, I KNOW). And like so many survivors said, it has gotten better and I am getting used to it but I guess it's just sad to think that this is what I have to get used to. Sometimes, I feel like I want to throw a tantrum yelling 'I want my old breast back' (mind you, I'm not sure what that would accomplish or who would be able to appease me considering there is nothing that can be done.)

I remember seeing a movie with Diane Keaton, and Rachel McAdams and the guy who played 'Coach' on the show 'Coach.' Anyway, it's a Christmas movie (totally irrelevant to the story) and at one point Diane Keaton (a breast cancer survivor in the film) takes 'Coach's' hand (her husband in the film) and puts it on her mastectomied breast and although I watched this film pre-diagnosis, I had a hard time not looking away from the screen. I remember thinking, 'how awful would that be?' How could she ever feel sexy? Those scars represent so much more than surgery! And now, the difference is, I can't put my hands over my eyes until the scene is over. I'm the one in the movie and those thoughts and fears are now directed at myself.

Listen, I give myself a pep talk every day and I know there is more to being a woman than breasts, I just miss my old one. I know it's what's on the inside that counts but I miss putting on that shirt and feeling good about the way I looked. I miss filling out clothes and buying a NORMAL bra not a mastectomy bra. I miss feeling sexy and mostly, I miss feeling like a woman.