Monday, August 20, 2012

I Am Enough

Ok, write something.... anything! Tell them about your trip to Boston. No, no, this is a cancer blog, not a traveling blog. Right! Ok, tell them how you feel like you are treating this blog as a forum to vent, a place to complain about cancer and that was never your intention. And add the part where you feel like you don't know how to do this whole cancer survivor thing - let them know that you're not good at this, that you don't know your role as a person anymore. Wait! No! No one is supposed to ever find out when you're not good at something, you spend your whole life trying to be great at everything, you can figure out this cancer thing, maybe it'll just take time. Yeah, time, that's what 'they' all say, it will get better in time...

Yep, that's what I've been doing for the past four weeks, thinking about where I stand in this whole cancer world. I am feeling less defined by it but I still can't figure out what to do now. And every time I think about what to write, the script from the first paragraph plays through my head. The thought of admitting that I am not great at something, especially on a public forum, terrifies me but it is also the reason that I haven't written anything in over four weeks. I feel like I can't write about anything else until I write about the truth.

I've been asked by a number of people, 'why haven't you been writing your blog?' and I guess part of me feels like a broken record and I am trying to find a way that I can convey my feelings without sounding like Debbie Downer.

Back in March, I was talking to one of my girlfriends and she said 'I feel like I'm a perfectionist who can never achieve perfection.' That has stayed with me and I think about it quite often. I have always felt this way about myself but have never been able to but it into words. I am slowly realizing that no matter how many people tell me 'you're the best (insert blank here) I've ever met', or 'I've never seen someone (insert blank here) as quickly as you have', I am never going to feel like I'm enough. I think the same can be said about being a cancer survivor, I want to be the best cancer survivor there is and yet, I don't even know what the hell that means.

I'm at this weird point in my life where I feel like I understand 'life' a little more than the average 28 (just turned 28 on Tuesday) year old and yet even though I know how precious life is and how important every day can be, I continue to live my life the way I used to; a boarderline workaholic, constantly worried about money, insecure, obsessed with weight, etc. I have recently found out that I am not the only one who puts pressure on myself to be a 'good' cancer survivor.

I recently watched a TED Talk that my good friend Terri Wingham (author of A Fresh Chapter) told me about. The speaker's name is Brené Brown and she discusses the correlation between being whole hearted and vulnerability. Now I'm going to warn you, this might get a little deep...

Brené discusses some of her research and the way the whole-hearted live. People who were considered to be whole-hearted saw vulnerability as a necessity - they are the type of people who are willing to say 'I love you' first, they have the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out, etc. To be honest, this scares the sh!t out of me. For example, Keith was the first to say 'I love you' - I mean, what would I have done if he didn't say it back?... Brené goes on to say vulnerability is the opposite of controlling and predicting and that is why I am not a vulnerable person - that is why cancer and I didn't get along so well, because it wasn't part of the plan, it wasn't predictable or controllable...

She says that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our sense of worthiness... but it seems to be the birth place of joy, creativity, of belonging and love... and that we can't selectively numb portions of vulnerability so when we numb the shame, the fear, and the pain that's associated with vulnerability, we also numb joy, the creativity, the belonging, the happiness and love. That makes so much sense to me. I am trying to selectively numb vulnerability but how much joy and happiness am I numbing at the same time? By not putting myself out there, how many opportunities are flying by me simply because I'm afraid?

People who were whole hearted and who found vulnerability to be a necessity have a sense of worthiness and have a strong sense of love and belonging and therefore believe they are worth love and belonging. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were - you have to absolutely do that for connection.

At the very end of the talk, there is a slide from Brené's powerpoint presentation that shows a woman with the words 'I am enough' written across her chest. I will forever remember that image. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I don't always believe it but saying it to myself reminds me that I don't have to be a rocket scientist or a heart surgeon or find the cure for cancer to be enough or to be worthy of love.

I guess the reason for sharing all of this is to say that what I am slowly learning is that there is no right way to do this whole cancer thing. If I spend 20 days locked in my room, crying, maybe that's the right thing for me at the time. If I take five weeks off from writing and focus on relaxing at a cottage or take a road trip with my mom, maybe I need that to graduate to the next step in survivorship. If I choose to laugh my way through the hard times, maybe that's the right way (for me) to deal with cancer. I can't keep punishing myself for doing or not doing things a certain way because of what I think is the 'right' way of doing them.

Have I totally lost you yet?

Like I had mentioned at the start of this blog, I took a trip to Boston at the end of July and on the day before we left the city, I saw a billboard as I was crossing the street and I had to take a picture. (I tried to upload the picture but it said it was too big and I have no idea how to change the size). Anyway, it said 'Do More of What Makes You Happy' and it had a cupcake and cross bones at the bottom. Do more of what makes you happy - why didn't I think of that? Why am I doing things to make it through the year, why not do things to fill the year?

About two weeks ago, I heard the following expression three time in one day 'It's not about the destination, it's about the journey' and it's so true. What if I'm diagnosed with terminal cancer next year, am I going to be happy with how I lived my life this year? Will I be able to reflect on 2012 and think 'I am enough'?

20 comments:

  1. Katie,
    You are not only enough, you are amazing. And I'm glad you are saying that to yourself. We all need to remind ourselves again and again, I think. I had an intuition that I needed to read your blog today, and now I know why. First, I have been listening to those Brene Brown talks and they so resonate with me. (The follow up one on shame as well as the first one on vulnerability.) "So it was great to hear you talk about her here. And second, I loved what you said about "no right way" to do the cancer survivor thing. The most powerful words my counselor said to me when I was going through treatment and after were "There is no right or wrong way to do cancer." Once I let go of the idea that there was some magical "right way" to "do" cancer or survivorship, it freed up so much energy. So I'm glad you made that declaration in your post. Just love your truth-telling, Katie. Rock on.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh Dawn, please move back to Ottawa so I can take advantage of our friendship - You are so great. Thank you. I feel like I have to tell myself 'I am enough' five times a day just for it to sink in once, but whatever works.

    So thrilled to see your cancer-free results.

    Katie

    ReplyDelete
  3. Not only did you not lose me, but you very much moved me. I think this is a good reflection and lesson for all of us, cancer survivors or no. Thanks again for sharing your thoughts with us!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Beverly! I appreciate your support.

      Delete
  4. Oh my sweet soul sister - I love this. You are enough and you are worthy of love and belonging. I'm so happy to hear that Brene's words connected with you as much as they connected with me. Here is to both of us doing more of what makes us happy and to big hairy audacious dreams for 2013. Big love and mighty fist bumps.
    Terri
    xo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank YOU for guiding me through this garbage. I always appreciate your words and wisdom.

      Katie

      Delete
  5. Having never fought the battle personally, I kinda feel I have no place commenting, but it has touched my life very deeply. That (and my age) has brought me to that point that you talk about - its not the destination, it's the journey. You've learned it at a far earlier age, and it makes me think you will live a better life for it. I wish I had grabbed that mindset a very long time ago myself. Love the 'I am enough' thing too! That helps you to embrace the journey more freely and completely instead of focusing on the unimportant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maggie, you're so great! And you have every right to comment - you make so much sense.

      I am trying to tell my self that the unimportant stuff doesn't matter and most days it sinks through my head...

      Katie

      Delete
  6. Katie,
    We all struggle with this survivorship role that has been forced upon us. Who does have it figured out? No one I know. This is a great post with a great message. You are enough. I am enough. Yes, sometimes it's tough to remember this and even harder to believe it. I'm glad there are people like Brene Brown and YOU out there to remind me of this today! Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It makes me feel so normal when you say that. Thank you! I sometimes feel like I have no idea what I'm doing, but it seems as though no survivor knows the right way to do it because there is no right way to do it.

      As always, I appreciate your message.

      Katie

      Delete
    2. I am enough. The title caught my attention on Twitter. Your post is very pure, and you have every right to live your life when, what, and whereever that may be (without having to "post" every single thing on the Web). Personal space is needful and fulfilling.
      I can see where you probably felt overwhelmed with the expectation from your followers TO blog. That kind of pressure alone can take a person down physically. None of us are "Atlas", able to hold up the entire world.

      Many people are experiencing "information/digital overload" right now, and that is particularly true for cancer survivors who have added stressors such as fatigue in mind & body.

      I loved the post, and love what Beverly said: "Not only did you not lose me, you moved me."
      My best, lovely! Xo

      Delete
    3. Thanks as always Rann! Sometimes I need permission to feel the way I do because as most of all of you, I've never done this whole cancer thing before.

      Thanks again,

      Katie

      Delete
  7. I found this post on Terri's Twitter feed and I also feel like I have no room to comment. Except that this is so beautifully written that it can apply to all of us, cancer survivors or not. The love and honesty that pours from this post is inspirational and though I don't know you, I send you lots of love for sharing, for being, for opening yourself up like this.

    Based on this post, I think you might be interested in reading what Jennifer Luitwieler has to say about denying the lie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Margi. I just followed you on Twitter.

      I also read 'denying the lie'. We all have 'whale' memory don't we? Well, some of us more than others and I feel like they have defined me more than I have defined myself sometimes.

      Thank you for your comments and the link!

      Katie

      Delete
  8. You are enough. The joy is in the journey and all that other good stuff....... You know how much I love you and Terri and Catherine (who I am excitedly hoping to meet next week!)....

    You are honest. You are pure. Your emotions are "right there" and I always love reading whatever you have to say.

    There is no right way to navigate these waters and it's especially true for YOU at such a young age. I think I just want to make sure you know I have your back... and really, when you come down to it, "You Got This" ..... You are wise WELL beyond your years.....

    xoxoxox

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AnneMarie, one thing that I am certain of is that you've got my back.

      It always makes me feel good knowing that you've not only read but also commented on my blog. It means that I know what I'm talking about (well to a certain extent).

      How exciting that you get to meet Catherine. She is a sweetheart! I'm jealous of the both of you...

      Katie

      Delete
  9. Gosh this is quite uncanny - you have beautifully articulated what was going through my mind too. And the fact that we both posted on the same day is quite goose-bumpy!
    http://feistybluegeckofightsback.wordpress.com/2012/08/20/the-meaning-of-life-and-the-why-of-blogging

    A wonderful post, and I also think you are amazing :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, I'm just going to go ahead and say it then, great minds think a like.

      I'm looking forward to a good read!

      Katie

      Delete
  10. Wow. This post was totally along the lines of what I wrote about in my last blog..and the one before... I talked about trying to LIVE and not dwell all the time... this post you wrote captures a lot of what I was trying to say. It's like your words were everything I have been feeling lately.

    Thanks for popping by my blog and reaching out btw! So good to be in touch with another young lady like this... As much as neither of us should be in this place, it is comforting to have each other.

    I watched the same TEDtalk about a month ago and the words that Brené spoke really hit me. And it's true that we put pressure on ourselves and think that there is a way we SHOULD be throughout all of this. There is not right way. We have our ups and downs for sure through all of this and I think knowing that however we deal, knowing that it is 'normal' makes it seem somewhat OK. As long as we arent curled up in the fetal position bawling for weeks on end of course! lol... then we gotta look to others for help and support!

    I look forward to connecting with you more in the future. Thanks again for messaging me. Im glad AnneMarie connected us. xxoo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ashley,

      I am so glad that we were able to connect!


      And yes, I have learned that long extended periods in the fetal position aren't ideal, although sometimes necessary.

      As I said before, if you're not on Twitter, it is so extremely supportive.

      Talk soon,

      Katie

      Delete